No Need For Sex Education
by Galaxy1001D
Summary: Washu attempts to educate the women of the Masaki shrine about their bodies, but underestimates their immaturity. Takes place before OVA 3. Rated 'T' for non-erotic sexual humor.


**No Need For Sex Education**

_By Galaxy1001D_

_Rated 'T' for tasteless sexual humor._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funamation, the author, or this website._

Washu Habuki, the greatest scientific genius in the known universe had assembled the ladies of the Masaki household in the pocket dimension she used as her laboratory. Hidden behind a door under the stairs was the entrance to rooms and chambers that Newtonian science said could not exist. No one but Washu really knew how extensive the transcendental dimension was. For all anyone knew, there could be planets and solar systems hidden in there behind a door or portal.

The chamber they were in resembled a classroom typical of industrialized nations at the turn of the millennium. Washu was at the head of the class wearing the black robes and square cap appropriate for a European style college graduation. The rest of the girls were sitting in desks that faced in the redhead's direction.

Ryoko, the hyperactive creation of the carrot-topped Washu was a tall angular woman with golden eyes and large ears that betrayed her extraterrestrial origins. Her cyan white hair was a mess and despite her stylish clothing, made her seem wild and feral. "Okay, what is this all about?" Ryoko's long canine teeth were briefly exposed when she crossed her arms and asked her question, making her appear more bestial.

"Yes," the purple haired Ayeka agreed while blinking her ruby red eyes. "I still don't understand what we are all doing in here." Ayeka Masaki Jurai appeared as a slender teenage girl with unblemished skin. She was dressed in a fancy kimono in contrast to the "nightclub singer" outfit that Ryoko wore.

"Yeah," agreed Ayeka's pink-eyed sister Sasami. "I still have to make dinner." Sasami appeared as an eight-year-old girl with sky-blue hair and freckles across the bridge of her nose. Her forehead was decorated with two tiny green triangles. "Culinary masterpieces don't create themselves you know," she added while imitating Washu's mannerisms.

"Are we going to learn something?" asked the bronze-skinned blue-eyed blonde named Mihoshi. "I hope we don't have to take a test. We don't have to take a test do we?" Like Ryoko, her ears were just different enough from the human norm to hint at her interplanetary origin. In Mihoshi's case they were pointed.

Washu herself had red hair and green eyes, making her, at first glance seem to be the only female in the room who could claim the planet Earth was her homeworld. Red hair and green eyes was a common enough trait for certain bloodlines in northwestern Europe. She appeared to be only a few years older than Sasami, but her nasal voice was more appropriate for an old lady than a little girl. "No you won't have to take a test," she snapped, "but it probably wouldn't hurt if I made you take notes."

"This isn't going to be about science stuff is it?" Ryoko asked while leaning back in her chair. "'Cause, it's like, really boring when you yammer on about it and all…"

"Oh, I think that you're going to be interested in this topic, smart mouth," Washu smirked grimly, "because today we're going to discuss sex education."

"What?" Ayeka blushed. The lavender haired lady jumped out of her seat and put her hands over Sasami's ears, causing the brown furry rabbit-like creature in the little girl's lap to make a sound like a frightened cat and leap away to run across the room.

"Ryo-oh-ki!" Sasami cried.

"Shut up!" Washu commanded in her best 'cranky old lady' voice. "And you! Get back in your seat! Don't make me tell you twice, Ayeka!"

"Now wait a minute!" Ayeka protested. "I am the first princess of Jurai! Just who do you think you are…" Ayeka blinked and stopped talking as she noticed the angry look on Washu's face. "Okay," she said timidly. "I'm going to get back in my seat now," she bowed.

"Sex education!" Ryoko chuckled. "Oh boy! Finally the juicy stuff! Give us all the details!"

"Should we really be hearing this?" Mihoshi asked. "I mean, this topic is kind of naughty."

"That's true," Ayeka nodded. "A proper lady doesn't need to hear about this…"

"That's bull paddies and you know it!" Washu interrupted. "As the mother of children, typically a woman has to know more about reproduction than a man! Socially, reproduction has been a woman's business on this backward world! So sit down, and shut up!"

"Yeah, put a cork in it!" Ryoko snapped, then her voice became smug and feminine. "Of course, a sophisticated woman of the cosmos like myself doesn't need to sit in this class. I know all this stuff anyway. Still, I'll stick around in case Washu needs help explaining it to you virgins."

"You probably know more about this topic than anyone, you tramp," Ayeka muttered.

"What did you say?" Ryoko's voice became dangerous and her gold eyes made her appear as a fierce bird of prey.

"Shaddap, Ryoko," Washu commanded. "You need this class more than anyone. The only things you know about sex are what you've read in public restrooms."

"What?" glowered a blushing Ryoko. "Ugh! I forgot about the mental link! Don't I get any privacy around here?"

"Maybe when you're old enough," Washu retorted, ignoring the muffled titters coming from the other girls in the room. She clapped her hands to get their attention. "Okay, class. It has come to my attention that a lot of you have some pretty bizarre ideas about your reproductive systems. Tenchi and Lord Katsuhito asked me to talk to you girls about this, so that's what I'm gonna do. Most of what you know you've read in books published on this planet because your sexually repressed upbringing made you too embarrassed to seek out information about the topic on your own worlds. The problem is, since nearly everyone in this house is from outer space or has ancestors from outer space any publication on human sexuality isn't going to be one hundred per cent accurate. Does anyone have any questions?"

The girls looked at each other and tried to hide their blushes.

"C'mon now," Washu tapped her foot impatiently. "I haven't got all day! I know you girls are curious about _something_. Are you going to ask, or am I going to have to strap you down and read your minds? Ryoko! I know _you_ have a question."

"Wha?" Ryoko stammered, uncomfortable with being singled out. "Um, yeah. I have a question. I read somewhere that boys Tenchi's age supposed to be real horny, but Tenchi doesn't seem to be interested in girls at all. He isn't broken is he?"

Ayeka and Mihoshi put hands over their mouths to stifle their giggles.

"An excellent question, Miss Ryoko," Washu nodded with exaggerated formality. "You are correct. At Tenchi's age, the reproductive drive should be so strong that he would try to start a family with the bearded lady if given a chance, but instead he is polite, aloof and respectful of the opposite sex." She turned to a screen behind and held up a long stick, "but you see, Tenchi favors his Jurian ancestry." On the screen was two timelines comparing an Earthling's lifespan and a Jurian's lifespan. "Unlike a human male, the Jurian doesn't reach his sexual peak for over a decade, and when you add the life extending power that all of Jurai's royalty possess, his physical development is slowed even more. It is very difficult to tell when puberty will strike our pretty young prince. When that happens, I'll bet he'll make up his mind who he's going to marry in a hurry! Any other questions? Yes, you there, Miss Sasami."

The blue-haired princess put her hand down. "Yes, I have a question. When I get older and get boobs, will I act as crazy as Ayeka and Ryoko?"

"She said 'boobs'," Mihoshi chuckled. "Oops! So did I!" Mihoshi blushed and covered her mouth with her hand.

"Hey," Ryoko protested. "'Act crazy?' What's that supposed to mean?"

"Yes," Ayeka fumed. "I don't act crazy do I?"

"Quiet!" Washu scolded. Soon Ayeka, Mihoshi, and Ryoko were all balancing flowerpots on their heads. "Miss Sasami asked a perfectly legitimate question. Yes, Sasami, I'm afraid that puberty strikes pretty hard. The endocrine system creates hormones that can cause irrationality in Jurian females just as the male teenager on this planet becomes irrational and rebellious when he is developing. The effect is intensified in Jurian royalty as the body attempts to get used to the power of Jurai."

"Oh no," Sasami groaned. "Can I remain a little girl like you?"

"Sure thing Sasami," Washu nodded. "See me after class. We can delay your development until you feel that you're ready to handle it. Next question?"

"I have a question, Miss Washu," Mihoshi raised her hand. "I've noticed that most teenagers get zits, but Ayeka and Tenchi don't. Is that the power of Jurai too?"

"Nope, that's genetic engineering," Washu responded. "Jurai's royalty is just as vain as the rest of us and wanted to make sure that their children all look like professional models. Next question?"

"Yeah," Ryoko raised her hand again. "I understand that most female humanoids suffer intestinal bleeding. What is all that about?"

"Ah, you are referring to the menstrual cycle," Washu responded. "What a lot of us ladies refer to as 'the curse'. I assure you, it is not intestinal bleeding."

"Is there anything we can do about it?" A worried Sasami asked. "I don't want to bleed to death."

"Don't worry, Sasami," smiled Washu. "The royal geneticists of Jurai have already done something about it. You only have to worry about your menstrual cycle once every seven hundred years."

Sasami breathed a sigh of relief while a blushing Ayeka hid her face in her hands.

Suddenly, Ayeka was seized with inspiration and raised her hand.

"Yes, Miss Ayeka?" Washu asked cheerfully.

"Lady Washu," Ayeka blushed. "I've been meaning to ask, 'why is homosexuality so gross'?"

"For the same reason that heterosexuality is gross," Washu replied without missing a beat. "The sex. Trading body fluids is disgusting in anyone's book. Next question?"

"I've got another question," Ryoko raised her hand. "What is 'PMS'? I hear that term a lot. Is that some sort of venereal disease?"

"Nope," Washu shook her head. "It stands for 'Premenstrual syndrome.' It is a collection of mental and physical disorders that accompany the menstrual cycle. Over two hundred different symptoms have been categorized for the human race alone, but the most common effects are irritability, tension, and unhappiness."

"That explains a lot," Ryoko snarked. "Ayeka must suffer from PMS often."

"I do not!" the purple-haired princess protested. "You take that back!"

"What's the matter Ayeka?" Ryoko taunted. "Is it that time already?"

"Oh no," Washu shook her head. "No-no-no-no. When Ayeka has PMS, everyone will know it. The price for putting it off so long is that the psychological effects are intensified."

"We were in suspended animation for seven hundred years," Sasami piped up. "Does that mean it's going to happen to Ayeka soon?"

Washu made a typing gesture and her orange holographic laptop appeared in front of her hands. "Well, according to the reading I made her cycle should be starting about…" Washu's eyes widened in alarm, "now!"

"YE-AUGH!" Ayeka made a feral grunt as she leaped up from her chair and threw her desk across the room. Tiny logs appeared in the air firing beams of light that caused small explosions where they hit the walls.

THE FOLLOWING SEVEN PAGES HAVE BEEN DELETED DUE TO GRAPHIC VIOLENCE

Panting with exhaustion, Ryoko set the bound and stunned Ayeka on a sixties-style beanbag 'chair'. "When will the medication take effect, Washu?" gasped the exhausted space pirate, as she applied an icepack to her bandaged head.

"In a minute or two," Washu replied as she rolled in on her wheelchair. She had a black eye and her leg was in a cast.

"Wow, I sure thought my number was up on that one," said Mihoshi, wincing in her neck brace.

"Ow!" Sasami cried as she poked at her arm in the sling. "When are our bones going to heal? I still have to make dinner you know!"

"We should be okay in about five minutes," Washu answered. "That's when the healing serum should kick in. Our bones will heal properly if we don't poke at our injuries. Okay, any other questions?"

"Why didn't you prepare for this ahead of time?" Ryoko grumbled. "Are we going to have to put up with that every seven hundred years?"

"Now you know the real reason why I remain a child," Washu sighed. "'The curse' is one indignity that I can do without!"

"I'm sorry, everyone," Ayeka muttered weakly.

"It's okay," smiled Mihoshi. "You weren't yourself, Ayeka!"

"I guess it's okay to untie her," Washu muttered.

Mihoshi and Sasami gulped noticeably.

"You've got to be kidding," Ryoko crossed her arms.

Tears trickled down Ayeka's mournful face.

"I don't think she'll cause any trouble," Washu shrugged.

"Shouldn't we keep her tied up, just to be safe?" Mihoshi asked.

"Don't be silly," Washu tutted. "Untie her right now."

"Okay," Mihoshi nodded as Ryoko kept an eye on the contrite Ayeka.

"All right now," Washu clapped her hands and the ruined furniture vanished to be replaced by chairs and desks in pristine condition. "Where were we? Ayeka's outburst is just one reason why you girls need this class. Okay. Any more questions on how the inhabitants of this house differ from the Terran norm?

"Yeah," Ryoko raised her hand. "When I touch a certain part of myself I…"

"Any questions we can answer when Sasami is in the room?" Washu corrected herself.

"Hey!" Ryoko protested. "My question is just as good as anyone else's!"

"Shaddap!" Washu somehow managed to leap out of her wheelchair faster than the naked eye and place a three hundred pound statue of Buddha on Ryoko's head. "Ask a question that's relevant!" When Washu returned to the head of the class her black eye had healed and she was no longer wearing a cast.

"I've got a question," Ayeka raised her hand timidly.

"Yes, Miss Ayeka?" Washu replied sweetly. "What is your question?"

"Well," Ayeka clasped her hands together and blushed. "This is something that I've been wondering about for a long time. Why are so many girls attracted to Tenchi? I mean, we know him so that's understandable, but women seem to come from outer space to take him away for their own purposes."

"Yeah!" Ryoko attempted to nod, but nearly broke her neck under the weight of the Buddha. "What is the deal with that?"

"Other women like Tenchi?" Mihoshi asked. "I never noticed."

"Now that you mention it, everybody seems to like Tenchi," Sasami put her good hand on her chin. "I just assumed it was because he's such a nice guy."

"The answer is quite simple really," Washu announced. "The secret lies in the power of Jurai."

"What?" the rest of the girls chorused.

"You see, the power of Jurai isn't just light hawk wings or forcefields. Juraian energy is life energy."

"Huh?" Mihoshi scratched at her neck brace. "What do you mean 'life energy'?"

"You know, the bioelectric power that flows through every living thing," Washu waved her hand dismissively. "Chi, the 'force', the primal element, mojo, quintessence, what the French call that certain…I don't know what. Quite frankly, people around the royal family of Jurai feel more alive. Sinus pressure, headaches, exhaustion, all these minor complaints don't seem as bad when Tenchi's around. People just feel healthier. Since Tenchi doesn't waste his energy creating force fields or summoning demons, the excess Juraian energy produced by his youthful and blossoming body just radiates out from him. People feel good around him. Healthier. Aroused."

"Oh I get it," Mihoshi giggled. "Since Tenchi isn't using superpowers, his Jurai energy makes women horny."

"That's essentially it, Mihoshi," Washu nodded, "and women from other planets got it even worse for him. They know that the Juraian energy from his royal heritage gives him the ability to have multiple climaxes…"

"Climaxes?" Ayeka scratched her head. "You mean like the end of a story?"

"No silly," Washu shook her head. "I mean that he can make love longer than the average male."

"Huh?" The girls chorused.

"What do you mean by that, Washu?" Ryoko asked. "What's the matter with the average guy?"

"Ah," Washu gestured and a screen appeared behind her with cross sections of the torsos of a man and a woman. "The reproductive process is different for the male and female of this planet. The male is capable of being stimulated quickly, and after climax, requires time before sexual intercourse can be reinitiated. The female takes longer to stimulate, but she can enjoy multiple climaxes and in theory could remain ready for lovemaking as long as proper stimulus continues."

"What are you saying?" Ayeka asked as she held her hands over Sasami's ears. "I don't understand all of it, but it sounds awfully naughty."

"Yeah," a blushing Mihoshi nodded. "You told us something really dirty didn't you?"

"Wait a minute!" Ryoko stood up from her desk. "Are you saying that by the time Earth guys can get a girl ready for action, they're all used up and they can never satisfy her?"

"Well… That's not what I said exactly," Washu rolled her eyes and glanced at the ceiling, "but yeah, that's the implication. The male is finished by the time the female is just getting started."

"What?" Ayeka took her hands off Sasami's ears to place them on her cheeks. "But that would mean that most men can't satisfy a woman's needs!" She stopped and blushed. "Not that a princess like me would be interested in such a thing…"

"Well…" Washu tried to hide her embarrassed smile. "A man could satisfy a woman theoretically if he knew what he was doing…"

"How awful!" Mihoshi exclaimed. "That means that Tenchi will be out of the mood for kissy-face just when I've gotten over my shyness!"

"Oh no," Washu shook her head. "No need to worry about that! Thanks to the life energy that the power of Jurai gives him Tenchi will be able to keep going right along with his partner until they are both finished. The same force that allows him to say, fall three stories without injury or survive a punch from Ryoko also allows him the ability to satisfy a woman the way no one else in light years could."

"Hold on!" Ryoko put her hand out like a traffic cop. "You mean to tell me that Tenchi is the only single Juraian prince in the known universe and thus the only available man who could possibly satisfy a woman?"

"That's right," Washu nodded. "So you can see why women from other planets go out of their way to get his attention. They know that Tenchi is the only…" The ingenious redhead stopped her lecture to glance around the room. "Hey! Where did they go?"

"Search me!" Sasami glanced around the room to see only empty desks and chairs. "Wow! They took off so fast we didn't even see them!"

Outside Washu's extradimensional space a slender teenage boy by the name of Tenchi Masaki was working in the fields growing carrots. He turned when he heard a sound like galloping horses to see Ayeka, Ryoko, and Mihoshi running toward him as if they were competing in the Olympics.

"Tenchi!" Ayeka cried. "You must marry me! Or else the royal family will lose the throne and the universe will be plunged into war!"

"Tenchi!" Ryoko shouted. "Don't listen to her lies! I took a test and I'm pregnant! With your child! C'mon you've got to marry me and do the honorable thing!"

"Tenchi!" Mihoshi called. "You've got to marry _me_! If you don't, I'll lose my inheritance and the Corpulans will take over the galaxy!"

Tenchi lowered his head as tears began to trickle from his eyes. He had no idea what Washu had told them but he knew that for the next few weeks no one was going to get much sleep.

EPILOGUE

Pushing a key on her holographic keyboard, Washu summoned a device that looked like a flying miniature camcorder. She rose from the floating cushion she used as a seat and spoke to the levitating device.

"Hi there Tenchi fans," she said to the floating camera. "We hope you weren't offended by our topic today. We didn't write it, the author did. To be honest, that part about the Juraian menstrual cycle wasn't true. It was all lies. Mendacity. Falsehood. To be honest, the girls around here aren't that alien. Not really."

Not knowing when to stop the little genius winked and wagged her finger at the camera. "You know I'd like to use this opportunity to clear up a common misconception of life at the Masaki shrine. To look at the different _Tenchi Muyo_ series, you'd think that it's always World War Three around here, and that Ayeka and Ryoko are always fighting. That's just not true. There is no way we could live here together if life was a constant battle. To be honest, the brief glimpse you get of us is very misleading.

"It is an observable occurrence that when women are roommates, oftentimes their biorhythms get in sync with each other and eventually they experience their monthly cycle around the same time. That's right. Nearly every episode of _Tenchi Muyo_ was filmed during the wrong time of month. The rest of the time we get along fine. Don't believe me? Here's a clip."

The recording of Washu was replaced by footage of the extraterrestrial women finishing breakfast together.

"Thank you for this lovely meal, Ayeka," Ryoko lowered her head genteelly. "I can see where Sasami learned to be such a good cook."

"Why thank you, Ryoko," Ayeka smiled back. "It's good to be appreciated after working so hard."

"Speaking of working hard, I better start my chores," Ryoko said as she rose to her feet. "I guess I'll start with clearing the table. It's my turn."

"Thank you Ryoko," Ayeka nodded. "I'm glad that we can always count on you."

"Well I better help Mr. Masaki with his taxes," Mihoshi said as she got up from the table. "It really isn't fair that they make it so complicated that most Earthmen have to hire an accountant."

"It's a good thing that we have a math whiz like you around," said Sasami. "Washu is usually so busy with her experiments that she can't be bothered."

"Oh it's nothing Sasami," Mihoshi assured her. "Anybody who can navigate through hyperspace can do a little accounting."

The footage of the girls vanished to be replaced by an image of Washu drumming her fingers. "Boring as watching paint dry, huh?" she muttered. "Now you know why the cameras are only rolling at certain times of the month. Bye-bye! See you next time!" She waved at the camera as it levitated away and stopped recording.

END


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